Alka Mansik Pramarsh Foundation Clinical Psychologists-Family therapists Indore 0731-4263087,9179383554

(All names and situations have been changed and the privacy of all have been maintained)

Family relationships have always had a huge impact on our lives, as we learn our first non-explicit jargons to the defined behavioural alphabets within our families. We grow, we evolve, and we carry on the journey of our lives. The family harmony is very essential for such a growth. But there are times when family members can become increasingly involved in each other’s lives, making it uncomfortable for everyone.

They act beyond the boundaries set in relationship and trespassing the limits of privacy and independent thinking. Family, in such an event, faces much stress and strains of relationship. Such an enmeshed family causes distress amongst members all around.

We need to thus identify what and how much involvement causes harmony, how much closeness leaves a positive impact, and what can really be an enmeshed situation where people may feel suffocated. How do we identify such an enmeshed family?

Dr Preeti, who belongs to a nuclear family, got married into a family where everyone’s life runs so intertwined into each other’s life. Her husband and his elder brother work together in a family business set up by their father. The family dynamics are such enmeshed that both the elder brother and the younger one do not have any financial independence from the business they run together. The financial decisions are taken by the elder brother of their father. Similarly, other decisions concerning the day to day life need to be approved by the elders of the family, and in this case, the elder daughter in law of the family. That leaves Dr Preeti quite exasperated on several occasions. At her home, she didn’t have to seek anyone’s approvals for running her daily affairs.

Dr Preeti felt as if her life (including her husband’s) life was intertwined to the other members of husband’s family like a yarn of a puppet show where the command is being given by someone else from behind the stage.

She realised that all the members of her husband’s family are tied to similar threads and each one is enmeshed and tangled up in each other’s life. In an enmeshed family, all the strands are tangled up together. Because everyone’s lives are so intertwined, individual needs and identities can get lost, and emotions are dis-regulated. Outbursts of anxiety and anger become everyday affair.

Closeness vs. enmeshment

The difference between an enmeshed family and a close-knit family lies in how they handle boundaries and individuality.

Individuals can flourish and attain what they want to because, in a close-knit family, every one supports the other member without tying them to the enmeshment and intertwining of their desires and ambitions.

When families are close: it is but natural to have strong bonds with your family members. These bonds are replete with love and care for each other. They also respect each other’s personal space and independence. They encourage each other to grow as individuals and make their own choices without feeling pressured or guilty.

When families are enmeshed: the boundaries between family members become blurry. They may be so involved in each other’s lives that it’s hard for individuals to make their own decisions and separate out their own thoughts and feelings. They may feel obligated to do things to please their family, even if it’s not what they truly want.

We take the case of Suzie, who was always expected to take care of her husband’s elder brother and his wife just because her in-laws wanted to run the family in this way. But Suzie found no support coming from her counter part.

Being the young daughter in law in the family, Suzie did try to cope up with it, but realising this enmeshment had been telling on her mental and emotional health, she gave up. The situation ultimately had become so complicated that both brothers had to part ways and live separately. It is obvious such enmeshed arrangement found its toll on relationship.

Are enmeshed family members codependent?

Enmeshment and codependency are related, and both can happen in families as well as other kinds of relationships, but they’re not exactly the same.

Enmeshment happens when two or more people are so deeply involved in each other’s lives, relationships, and decision-making that their social, financial autonomy, emotional and mental health are compromised.

In a codependent relationship (such as a couple or a parent and child), one member relies too much on the other for emotional support, validation, or a sense of identity.

Members of an enmeshed family may show signs of codependency, but that doesn’t mean they’re always codependent. The degree can vary among family members, and people may display different levels of codependency in different relationships.

Enmeshment in different family systems

Familial values, norms, and dynamics can vary widely, both within and between family systems. In cultures or communities that emphasize autonomy and independence, boundaries between family members are often expected to be more defined.

But in other cultures, enmeshment may be a more common and valued mean of maintaining strong family bonds.

Cultural factors can affect not just a family’s dynamics, but children’s experiences with those dynamics. In communities that place a strong emphasis on intergenerational responsibility, children may be expected to prioritize the needs and wishes of their parents and extended family, and this doesn’t necessarily have a negative impact.

In joint family system, it was found that enmeshment benefited members’ emotional well-being, especially when the families living together were dependent economically on one family business of a joint family and managed by a paternal or maternal head with individuals being controlled by the norms of a joint family.

Signs of an Enmeshed Family

In an enmeshed family, love and support can come with a high level of controlled exercised too. In such families, people will have both direct and indirect systems of adherence to follow, undermining individual thinking and freedom of working for individual expression.

However, the signs and symptoms of enmeshment will be diverse for each individual, and so would be the outward expressions of behaviour and emotional adjustment to the enmeshed situation in the family. Some of the common signs can be:

Signs seen in adults:

When parents, caregivers, and adult members of enmeshed families (including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and so on) have difficulty setting boundaries with their own young ones or the youngsters of other families they’re related to, they can be showing following signs in their behaviour:

• Being overly protective and keeping the children away from challenges that can create a conflicting situation in their minds.
• Micromanaging lives of other members and making their decisions for them even on day to day matters.
• Guilt-tripping other members to get them to do what the controlling person wants in the name of the family unity.
• Control of others members privacy by checking their belongings and/or directing their activities.
• Rely heavily on other members of family for the emotional support and validation repeatedly.
• The members control others members by posing as their well wishers.
• Refuse to accept that the junior members of the family also are adults now and can handle their own affairs.
• They always appeal to maintain family unity over individual needs.
• They want to make decisions for others when they get into outside relationships.
• Put down or appeal to others to avoid family conflicts to keep the peace of family as the top priority.

How do youngsters behave in an enmeshed family

Young members in an enmeshed family are always the most confused lot.

They are always careful to not to hurt others or themselves get hurt that could cause conflicts in the family.

Since they haven’t been ever encouraged to think independently, they have trouble making decisions.

When they reach adulthood and want to settle on their own, they struggle to stay outside the family.

They also find it difficult to set up their own business or work in a job outside family.

They believe their value systems are what their family has followed all the while, and they cannot think outside such system.

They fall in love only if it makes their family happy, and they expect their partners too to work for the happiness of their family only.

To them, nothing seems to be present outside their family, and they believe it is their onerous duty to keep their family happy.

Enmeshment trauma can happen when a child is so involved in a parent’s emotional life and relationships that it harms the child’s well-being and affects their ability to set boundaries in adulthood.

They find it difficult to believe that friendship can develop outside their family or the friends too must be liked by their family and approved.

They find it difficult to control their emotional balance when they find any member in conflict with their family, and they believe they must protect family.

They, in such a situation, reverse their roles and end up taking care of their parents emotionally or financially.

When these youngsters who have lived in enmeshed families come into adulthood, they are prone to develop depression, anxiety, attachment issues and emotional problems of adjustment with others. Such a situation can have damaging effects on their relationship and trust. This type of trauma can leave people feeling unable to identify their own emotional needs or even that of their partners.

If you believe that some of these signs and symptoms can be seen in your family, and you need help, please contact us.

mansikpramarsh@gmail.com or reach us @ 9179383554

www.mansikpramarsh.com

www.familytherapyindia.com

Ashu (name changed) had been unable to lead a fulfilling life ever since he was diagnosed with schizophrenia by a psychiatrist. He had been prescribed antipsychotic medicines by various psychiatrists at every clinic his family had brought him to. Yet nothing seemed to work. His fears and phobias had grown worse over time. The voices in his head continued to torment him. His rational thinking had been severely distorted, and for him, all the delusions had taken on the form of real images and characters.

Similarly, Sheena (name changed) lived in constant fear and phobia of persecution by a person who had long since walked out of her life, five years prior. Sheena had been diagnosed with delusional disorder, a psychotic disorder. Her life had become utterly distressing, as she would frequently get consumed by her phobia and was unable to manage her normal day-to-day routine.

Schizophrenia is a psychiatric condition that impairs and distorts the logical thinking and cognition of the individual affected by this chronic brain disorder, encompassing both “positive” and “negative” symptoms.

Positive symptoms include hallucinations (hearing voices or seeing things that aren’t real), delusions (firmly held false beliefs), and disorganized thinking or speech. People experiencing active positive symptoms often react to those symptoms in ways that are noticeable to those around them (e.g., agitation, confusion). Ashu had been troubled by imagined voices telling him that someone was planning to prosecute him and have him imprisoned. While these thoughts were not apparent to others, he frequently spoke of hearing voices and linked them to someone he had dealt with in his family business.

Negative symptoms involve a marked decline in the affected person’s social engagement, communication, and motivation to handle everyday responsibilities. Sheena had shown negative symptoms when she was first referred to us for what was described as “split personality” behaviour. However, schizophrenia is unrelated to split personality. She had in fact been suffering from delusional disorder, a form of psychotic disorder on the schizophrenia spectrum.

Both Ashu and Sheena showed resistance to antipsychotic medications, and their families had reached a point of near despair, feeling that nothing would ever help. Ashu would occasionally show some partial improvement, only to slide back to where things had originally begun. We observed that Sheena’s condition remained more deeply chronic and touched every area of her life. She showed no response to any antipsychotic medications being given by the psychiatrist.

Both Sheena and Ashu struggled to build and sustain relationships, whether within the family or outside of it. They found it hard to manage their everyday responsibilities due to mood swings and delusions that continuously undermined their ability to think clearly. Both had largely withdrawn from social life. Their disrupted thought patterns made it impossible for them to recognise that their thinking differed from those around them. Their families also found it an overwhelming and financially draining challenge to keep up with the treatment prescribed every two weeks, owing to the high expense and the patients’ persistent refusal to take their medication.

We chose to combine Mindful Perceptive Meditation Therapy and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to treat both Ashu and Sheena on alternate days, ensuring consistency and reducing the chances of them slipping back into their ingrained schizophrenic patterns of thought and behaviour. In the beginning, engaging with them was a challenge — they would either skip sessions entirely or, when present, struggle to focus on what was being addressed. Over time, they began responding to our guidance. We introduced the treatment with “Shwas Preksha” — a mindful perceptive breathing exercise centred on the psychic centres — carried out under the supervision of an experienced instructor. Before long, we began to see meaningful progress in both clients.

We then introduced them to the practice of “Mindful Perceptive Meditation,” which draws both the body and mind into deep meditation on the psychic centres, with full awareness of the present moment and the breath experienced in its complete intensity. This was continued alongside regular Kayotsarga exercises, offering the clients a deeply needed sense of physical calm through mental focus. Kayotsarga is a meditative practice that separates the physical body from the mind and brings the body’s muscles to a state of complete, progressive rest — not unlike the progressive muscle relaxation technique.

Gradually, notable improvement was seen in several negative symptoms. Feelings of negativity towards self and family, a persistent sense of hopelessness, and a lack of interest or motivation began giving way to more positive thoughts and outlooks. Both clients responded encouragingly — Ashu and Sheena had begun acknowledging the brighter aspects of their lives. A growing sense of gratitude and appreciation became evident in their daily conversations with us, and we observed a renewed engagement with their everyday routines.

These gains were further reinforced through the practice of Mahaprana Dhwani — the generation of deep inner sound vibrations using the mouth and nose during exhalation — performed across all psychic centres as part of the deep perceptive breathing exercises undertaken by the patients.

Mindful Perceptive Meditation and CBT have been applied with considerable success across a range of psychiatric and psychological conditions. We have used Mindful Perceptive Meditation alongside positive affirmative techniques to assist affected individuals in regulating the functioning of endocrine glands associated with stress hormones and negative emotions, and to address the faulty thought patterns that follow. CBT fosters a more objective and evidence-based understanding of situations, helping individuals examine their thoughts with clarity and reason. Mindful Perceptive Meditation therapy also incorporates written affirmations about the self and one’s circumstances, assigned as homework and later discussed with the clients. The entire approach was directed at transforming negative self-perceptions and situational views into positive emotions and constructive thinking.

As a general guideline, a patient requires between 50 and 60 sessions spread over three to four months. In more severe cases, however, sessions — each lasting between 45 minutes and one hour — may extend to between 90 and 120 sessions over six to nine months, as was necessary in both of these cases.

It brings us immense satisfaction and joy that, following six months of consistent and dedicated effort, both patients had recovered substantially. With the loving support of their families and friends, the journey of reintegrating both of them into family life and society was successfully completed.

We have continued to apply Mindful Perceptive Meditation and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with positive outcomes across many other cases involving depression, anxiety, stress, and various psychological disorders, helping numerous individuals return to a fulfilling and normal life.

“Perceptive Meditation allows you to live in and with your breath, gently drawing your mind away from the anxiety, stress, and burdens of daily life. It empowers you to be present in each moment with complete mindfulness of your soul, body, and mind.” — Ramneek Kapoor

If you have a family member suffering from any such condition, we warmly invite you to reach out and discuss how we can help you move forward.

Take that first step today, and we will walk with you towards the happiness and peace you deserve.

Call us at 9179383554 or write to us at mansikpramarsh@gmail.com

— Ramneek Kapoor, Family Therapist, Psychological Counsellor, and Science of Living Expert