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maxresdefaultWhen Deepti (name changed) had called on us the other day , she had wanted an appointment for her husband , who she thought had been suffering from depression for quite long time . I had advised her that she should accompany her husband to the counseling session. After a few sessions with both of them together and separately with each partner ,it emerged that both of them suffered from depression.Yet they have been in a denial mode.I have seen in many cases that partners refuse to believe that what they are suspecting others suffer from could also be happening to them .They would always believe that just because the other person is complaining he or she could be depressed.Deepti had faced similar situation when she had come to me.Explained Deepti,”my husband Sameer {name changed}blames me for the problems in our marriage.He says that we have all the problems in our relationship because I am depressed.He tells everyone in my family and his family that if my wife was not undergoing depression,there would not be any issues in our marriage.But on the contrary I believe it’s always my husband who suffers from depression.He always complains about everything and blames me unnecessarily when things do not workout as per his plans”.

Family therapist during meeting with unhappy, married coupleIt is normal to have little bit difference of opinion in marital life but should each time difference arisen become the cause of a major fight then the husband wife team need to look at their status of their perceptual faculty. It is common to become little dejected after marital argument but to think of the other person being depressed definitely should be a cause of concern for the partners.It is very likely that both partners are perceiving some issues,concerns and a few problems in marriage negatively that has been giving depression to each other.Depression is made out to be a neurotic  disorder  hence people are always afraid of agreeing that they are undergoing such state of emotional upheaval.The usual response to such situation being.”I am o.k. it is the other person who seems to be suffering from depression”.

argu cplSomewhat similar is the story of Seema and Jatin (names changed) both budding doctors still in their process of setting up their household. The problem arose when a fine day Seema threatened to commit suicide on a very small whimsical issue. She had convinced herself that her husband does not pay her as much attention as he is giving to his other female colleagues in the hospital where he works . This came as a very major shock to Jatin. Jatin had nowhere ever thought about his coworkers in this manner. No amount of explanation could convince his wife and she continued to fight with him from time to time on the same subject forcing her husband to lead a solitary life away from the friends and acquaintances.What began as a depression with one of the spouses had pulled the other partner too into the same state of mind ,giving him depression. Jatin explains his situation in the following words,” My wife Seema has been idealising suicide from her college days. Our relationship dates back to seven years now. We had begun  dating in the first year of our college. In the college too she was always throwing tantrums on me.It is quite surprising that she acts in this manner only when I am around and with me only.She would often break up with me on small pretexts and remain incommunicado for days together. She  will come out of her shell on her own. She would then hardly remember that she has not been in touch with me for so many days. Everything becomes very normal for her soon , but it leaves me completely drained out emotionally.I can never discuss about such a behaviour of my wife to any one in the family or friends as she behaves normal in front of others.I do understand that she does it to gain my attention . For me she is my wife .I do give her the required love and affection. My whole life revolves around her . But I fail to understand why would she want me to be exclusively with her  only all the times. This kind of obsessive  behaviour from my wife has started telling on my professional responsibility. I can not be a doctor in such a big hospital where I am working by living in isolation and yet I do not know how to solve the problem.You being a psychologist could possibly understand the situation better and help us”.

A few sessions with the couple revealed that they both in spite of their long dating history had failed to emotionally connect with each other so far. Seema had wanted to make the emotional connection but had not understood how to proceed with it. She had always wanted to make Jatin part of her inner life. Each time she tried she sounded more pathetic and distressed and felt completely remorseful  when she did not get the desired attention and response from Jatin.

arguing coupleJatin understood her well but he too could not connect with Seema.He did not know how to make her feel loved and understood.She just wanted him to love her and care about her. But her such behaviour had put  off Jatin, leaving him cold and at times uninterested in her .Both the partners had been frustrated and didn’t know how to handle such a situation.

It has been observed by us that one partner in a marriage is depressed , the cause would always  be a marital situation  between the two spouses.  The solution to such a situation has to be found within the marriage situation only.There can be no solution by putting the onus to only one of the  members to the marriage, as the reason is not individual but a common factor is responsible for  whatever is happening to the spouses.

psychologist-helping-couple-relationship-difficulties-office-49310915In the event of either of you suffering from depression , both of you should help each other explore how your relationship dynamic could be  causing such a depression. Though you may want the other person to get individual treatment to his or her complaints by way of the intervention of a psychologist, it is in truth be your total marital situation that needs to be looked in a different perspective as different from your own point of view.  In such a situation you would do well to get your self assessed by our   professional family therapist and counselor. We will together then  work out a plan  that works to revive your marital relationship .Always remember that  you both are equal partners to the happiness and bliss of your marriage and hence let us find the way to the resolution of the differences in marriage too together with each partner respecting and trusting the other equally.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

family therapyFamily will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance

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Have you of late been feeling deep in the woods  ? Do you feel the world is out to get you? Do you really feel the next johnny is better than you?  Do you want to just lie down and not look at the world  in the day light, with the curtains drawn and the lights off all the times?The day   to you just seems to drag on… the night becomes all the more difficult and sleep seems to have eluded you for many days . Do you look at the world a real queer  place with all of the folks giving you advise to go and do something about it ?

Do you :

  • beat Yourselves up over  silly mistakes,
  • feel always sick and tired on account of not  sleeping well,
  •   constantly grapple  with unwanted thoughts running  through your minds all the time
  • feel tormented  with traumas  and pains  of life’s  doings and undoings  .

The shrink might say you have a depression and a mood disorder . The others would simply be calling  it an inability to face the stresses of the world and may associate to anxiety attack. some could have compassion for you or some could just call you a lazy buff. But do you really feel all that advise is necessary when all you are   doing is being comfortable in the discomfort of the inertia and the negation of the self.

But is that not  a  fact  that    you Do want to feel truly good, only if some one could help you overcome this inertia of depression ?  The visits to the psychiatrists do not seem to have helped much, as he does nothing but prescribes a different medicine every time you go to him.

Here is a simple remedy that can help you overcome the negativity that seems to have entered your mind and life.

You make an attempt to Accept yourself and feel a profound sense of warmth and self-importance. No I am not advising   you to become a megalomaniac but   asking you to feel the  powers that be within you to resurrect your life .You have some magnetic power that makes you unique , that makes you , “ME”. Identify  this “ME” and make all efforts to become “ME”.

We would often look at others and not only compare ourselves with others but also be always  be busy in the process of becoming others. but would becoming others make us happy or satisfied ? no not at all . The more we look outward towards others ,the more we get dissociated    with the self   the real “ME”, that always wants to excel and be recognised. But the rat race of becoming others, the eagerness of doing like the others do  pushes this “ME”,  to the unknown  depths of ignominy.

We regularly conduct Preksha Meditation classes at Alka Mansik Pramarsh Foundation and our experiences reveals that  the meditation of  self-acceptance makes  people gain positivity and happy state of mind which can  not  be  compared to others because in this there is no , “other”. The learning    of the self can definitely be compared to the learning of the  new things and being part of something bigger, some sacred   and celestial    happiness and satisfaction.

If you want to feel this , self-acceptance   is the habit you need to inculcate gradually in your mind.

Start by writing all the positive things about you on  a paper , even if you feel there is nothing positive  that you can write about you just write  the following statement:

I am a powerful person I have the power of mind .  

Continue writing a full page ,then meditate on this, you will gradually start feeling good ?

YOU MUST   Accept Yourself  in the positive fashion and that will help you overcome barriers to self-acceptance .Come and learn with us the  daily  self acceptance practices that result into  psychological  and emotional healing.

Ramneek kapoor,Clinical Psychologist and family Therapist,Science of living ,Preksha Meditation expert.

 

 

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This may not seem very important issue as majority of the couples in India belong to almost similar /same religion but personal habits of following or not adhering to religious rituals can cause tensions and stresses in marital life. , again with many mixed marriages being on the rise , many couples in their infatuation for each other overlook something that may create rifts and problems in the relationship , once the initial euphoria of the infatuation settles down. Any of the partners can have strong religious convictions or the pressures from the family and society can make them oppose each other. Every couple should look for a freedom to maintain their personal beliefs. But being humans we do get carried away on occasions and as such the couple needs to look for a counseling support system to handle such delicate matters. Though some of the common systems as mentioned below should help • Refraining from performing religious activities, but it is in human nature to not to become an atheist. • Converting one partner to the other’s religion but then modern individualism may come in the way, as it amounts to surrendering personal freedom. • Compromise and finding a middle path of accepting a faith that meets both the rituals and beliefs • emerging of the common religion, where each accepts and supports the others faith and beliefs without converting • Each person maintaining the original religious conviction separately and allowing full freedom to the other .

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