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Posts Tagged ‘couple’

Matters of Mind and Heart -reaching Emotional Stability and Life Balance

Much has been written by thinkers, philosophers, scientists, sages and preachers on the subject of mind and heart. There has been  endless research on the issue of restless mind and spirit of human beings, yet the peace still eludes many of us. The world still suffers from many diseases of the mind and heart. Words like depression, anxiety, stress and phobic disorder, mental disorder, behavioral disorder are being used like the common place flu and colds happening to ordinary people. The medical world abounds by all kinds of medicines and treatments, offering little respite to those who suffer. People  continue to suffer .Their restless minds and souls are constantly being tormented. Through the columns of these pages we will try to understand how do we establish  better understanding  of these matters of mind and heart to reach emotional stability in our lives and keep our lives balanced.

We humans are connected with the organic world with the most developed brain and thinking powers. In the organic world three kinds of living beings exist i.e., those that have the instinctual survival bereft of any emotions, those that survive only on the basis of their physical strength and display only momentary emotional awareness .Humans have been bestowed with the powers that can generate emotions in our system involuntarily and activate our thinking system whether we like it or not.  We also have a fully developed mental perception, which can take cognizance of the matter and connect it to the events and consequences. We have a fully developed memory. We think, we imagine, we connect and we activate. Much as man would like to become thoughtless at times, sleep without any connection to the real world, the brain continues working either voluntarily but mostly involuntarily.

The involuntary emotional system activates our mind all the time. It forces the mind to imagine, to create and to dream. The dreams motivate us to plan which are executed by us to realize all those that we dreamt of. But in the law of our land where we have the thought, the power to dream and the power to reflect, we do have the situations that cause conflict and pain. For wherever there is a mind, the thought, the power to reflect, the analytical skill, there we have the conflict, the contradiction. No mental activity can ever be without the contradictory and opposite situation. Wherever we have the mind, we have the pain and we have the misery. Man however does not want to suffer. He wants to always be in comfort, in happiness and in the enjoyment of a happy life. This is a natural phenomenon .All living beings look for a life full of comforts. The inanimate only do not know the difference between   the comfort and discomfort. The living beings who do not have a mind suffer only for a short while. Their sense of discomfort is only short lived,  is unexpressed on account of lack of emotions . They do not consign their discomfort to their   memory bank. Nor do they draw upon their memory bank to reflect and compare their current and past discomfort. But man being a thinking organic sensitive emotional mind feels, expresses, analyses ,compares  and consigns  all comforts and discomforts to his   memory bank, thus in a way being always under the load of misery .

Can the mind be free from worries and miseries? 

We are all part of the larger organic world in which we are all living beings like millions of other kinds of living being inhabiting the solar system. Our world in fact as compared to the world of other living beings of the universe is too small. We are very miniscule in numbers, barely a few trillions all over the globe. The other planets must be peopled with many more living beings which the science is continuously researching into. Whether those living beings too have similar emotions, thoughts, mind and heart developed like us, only the research will find out.

But humans of our dear earth are endowed with a developed mental faculty. we all think .Thinking ,reflecting is an activity of the mind. We remember, we consign our thoughts to memory bank. We imagine. We create thoughts. Creation of thoughts and imagination is a mental exercise. We plan larger things for our life by the strength of our imagination .We dream of things that are larger than our life. We aspire for making these dreams come true. we do realize some of these dreams, imagination, and aspirations yet many other remain out of reach  . 

In order to understand the malady that has befallen the modern mind we will have to know the functioning of the mind in the modern age .the modern times are the reflectors of the cerebral psychological problems. Every individual is    involved fully into the mental day to day stresses of life. The involvement of the human mind into the cerebral problems becomes the major detriment to the peace and happiness of the human intellect.  Every human being wants to become free of the mental stress that he is suffering from.  We need to understand as to what mind is, in order to get liberated from the stresses and problems of the mind. Without really looking into the functioning of the mind it is simply irrelevant to solve the problems that exist in our psyche today.

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A good   happy marriage    calls for companionship of the mind and the matter . But many a times the companionship of the mind plays larger role as compared to the companionship    of the matter.  It is always the mind and the soul that will keep your marriage  young  thriving and throbbing no matter how long and how  far have you been staying away from your companion. In  this  age of career building  by both the male and the female partners to the merriment   ,distance marriages many times become compulsion rather than a choice.When a partner lives apart  or moves away temporarily   it is the mind that will keep on reminding   you of the  physical matter of the companionship and keep the memories of the time spent together alive and make you pine for the next opportunity that will bring you closer to the partner again.

We have often heard couples talking about the waning of the inteterst in marriage and of the fact that the caring of each  in the marriage  no longer seems to be   of so much  importance any more. Many couples suffer in silence wondering if the other partner has been seeing someone else or if they no longer attract each other.  If such be the case with you too then it is time you learn some of the secrets to keep your marriage thriving and throbbing …..
1. The secret of  the communication of the mind and the matter :The  mind will respond only when the matter  is felt ,touched and is absorbed by the mind as a pleasant and lasting memory. It is   important each times the couples meet that they should make it a special occasion to    touch and talk .The physical touch charges the sensual cords leading to the charging of the emotional cords by the lovey dovey talks .The couple must talk and interact with each other on matters that  are non controversial  for them both and  the  loving gesture of physically touching each other will add to  the necessary romantic touch of their desire for each other .  Some couples are  resistant to the communication of the mind and the matter when they do not want to  exhibit their fondness for each other. They believe that the  touch will eventually lead to the bigger acts of   love making etc and that once they touch they will lose focus on the   actual points of discussion.  Nothing is far from the truth .  The touch will actually bring about the focus on what the other person is saying and will be a way of showing and showering affections for each other  .

The couples  must make it a    habit to talk and touch whenever they hold discussions in their privacy .  Partners  that speak of  distraction in their marriage  usually  say that they have nothing   common to talk about . That they find their  other  partner too does not speak much about to them. Such aloofness and the act of not opening to each other   creates uncalled for fears, leading to anxiety and sense of loneliness in marriage. The couples can have many   things to talk about.

  • You can talk to each other  about each other’s  aspirations.
  • You can talk to each other   about the best things that you like about your partner .
  • You can talk to each other about your  fears.
  • You can    share a  joke  that the neighbors, the office mates or children  have   shared with you
  •  You can talk about the interesting piece of writing you just read on the internet.
  •  You can  speak about the interesting recipe that you have learnt and are going to    try it out on the next weekend .

The partners must share such things in the morning  while sharing bed tea or on the breakfast table   before they leave for their works. They can speak to each other in the middle of the day over the phone or over the web chat to keep the memories of the morning touch and talk alive, and throbbing.
That will show the partners that each one cares for the other and yearn for him or her.

while some people  feel that they need to open more and talk   whereas some partner could be of the opinion and  the habit of not talking much . this can make the other partner   feel he or she   is not  getting  enough attention from the  other. That is the reason  that couples   need to   not only talk more but also  need to touch more.

You must reach out and touch your partner in  many different ways   to feel the romanticism of a young married life   .

  •   Begin  the day  with a  warm kiss or a gentle rub.
  •  Stroke the partner’s  cheek or play with the  hair .
  •   A momentary touch can bring about the  positive energy in the relationship and the feeling of gentle touch lingers on through the day .
  •   When couples touch each others  shoulders, or stroke their cheek, the magical  moment   will get them   connected to each other . The relationship will sparkle and bring about a feeling of love and affection overpowering any negativity  that the couple might  have had  .

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Every couple who decides to tie the marital knot should understand and be aware of that it is ultimately the available of sufficient regular income for running the life that will keep the smile on the lips and love in the heart going for each other. They must realize that it is the satisfactory flow of money that will keep the kitchen fires burning and make the marriage enjoyable and workable for the family. Most of the times, it is the lack of adequate money that becomes the cause of irritation, intolerance for each other and subsequent fights between couples. Couples in their romanticism may not give that kind of importance to money and plunge headlong into an early marriage /live in relationship. Such issues need to be worked out in advance by both the partners immediately after they decide to live together on long term basis as partners be it within the wedlock or outside the wedlock. The couples need to sit down and discuss the money that will be available for immediate daily living, the long time prospects when offspring is planned and decide as to who is going to contribute in what way to the family money kitty. They must be expressive to each other on their thoughts and attitude on money. Such planning and understanding will keep the tempers from flaring up later on in life and threaten the very institute of marriage. Romantic thoughts, poetry, not willing to touch the dreary topics of money management styles may want to consider having a “specific date to discuss marital fund” to find out the ways and means to find the cash and for making each future day a very healthy and beautiful day of marital life Couples who both work and earn and who plan to get married should mutually decide whether they should operate common fund, separate contributions, joint accounts, separate accounts or both.

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This may not seem very important issue as majority of the couples in India belong to almost similar /same religion but personal habits of following or not adhering to religious rituals can cause tensions and stresses in marital life. , again with many mixed marriages being on the rise , many couples in their infatuation for each other overlook something that may create rifts and problems in the relationship , once the initial euphoria of the infatuation settles down. Any of the partners can have strong religious convictions or the pressures from the family and society can make them oppose each other. Every couple should look for a freedom to maintain their personal beliefs. But being humans we do get carried away on occasions and as such the couple needs to look for a counseling support system to handle such delicate matters. Though some of the common systems as mentioned below should help • Refraining from performing religious activities, but it is in human nature to not to become an atheist. • Converting one partner to the other’s religion but then modern individualism may come in the way, as it amounts to surrendering personal freedom. • Compromise and finding a middle path of accepting a faith that meets both the rituals and beliefs • emerging of the common religion, where each accepts and supports the others faith and beliefs without converting • Each person maintaining the original religious conviction separately and allowing full freedom to the other .

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What should the couple ask a psychologist counselor? : The question that a young couple may have in mind is as to:

  1. What should they ask the counselor separately as individuals and  as  a couple together who have decided to tie the nuptials
  2. Does every couple need such counseling?
  3. But we have known each other for so long as lovers / friend’s .why do we need counseling now?
  4. Will the counseling be done in privacy or  will there be more couples will be involved in the process?
  5. Will the counseling involve my /ours parents too?
  6. How will the counseling help me/ us have a smooth/ rocking marital relationships?
  7. How many sessions will be necessary?

 

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