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Posts Tagged ‘mindset’

mother seeing child offMrs Sharma sounded  worried when  she handed over the school bag of her daughter to bus attendant, “Please tell the driver not to drive too fast. He fetches  small children, They can fall off their seats “. The bus attendant just nodded her head in affirmation. Not satisfied with just a nod, Mrs Sharma moved to the front of the bus .”Please drive slow and take care of our children” she had told the driver. The driver  too nodded his head. Mrs Sharma waited for the bus to move. She kick started her scooter . She paused for a moment and then turned her scooter towards the direction in which the bus had been going. She followed the bus at a safe distance and eventually having seen the bus safely getting into the school gate, she turned back . Such melodrama has been going on with Mrs Sharma for over a month now.

The matter  came to the notice of the family one day when Mr Sharma had gone to the bus stop to see his daughter off to school. The attendant  told him, “please tell Mrs Sharma not to follow the bus till the school gate.We are equally concerned of the safety of the school kids we fetch to the school .The school driver is a very experienced man and he drives very carefully.He has a very clean service record” .

six years oldJulie is only six years old .She studies in the neighborhood kindergarten school. She had been fine all this while and used to be very eager to go to school every morning .Last week  suddenly out of the blue she complained of stomach ache and refused to go to school. Her mother had taken her to the pediatrician who found nothing wrong with the child . The child had been  referred to the school counselor. A few sessions with the parents, the child and the class teacher  revealed, the  child has been always worried about her mother being alone at home  and this worry always prevailed upon her mind.

Just as the mind of the young child Julie created the drama of her mother being  unsafe at home, the same way worry can play havoc with the mind of the adults too. Worrying excessively can bring into mind series of fears , apprehensions, dark imaginations of the concerns about the safety  of  person and his or her near and dear one’s .

Worry is fine so long as we just reflect constructively and think about the situation or the problem to find out our next course of the action. But when the worry becomes constant fear and apprehension, it turns into  the chronic emotional disturbance  , with the mind being hijacked all the times into apprehended dangers which in reality may never occur. The hijacking of the mind brings with it the chronic anxiety, phobic  thoughts and the loss of reason .The person so affected exhibits obsessive compulsions, generalized anxiety into every situation, panics over trivial matters , fears of  getting cheated, robbed, being abandoned by the near and dear ones and of dying .Some of the affected even begin worrying about the worry that they carry in their mind.

worried womanMrs Narwhal   was so much worried of getting affected  by the germs  or carrying the germs  back home  that she would hang an  extra set of clothes in  her  toilet in advance , which  she wanted   to wear  the moment she would get back home from her trip outside. Every time she had come back to her  house, she would first  get into the bath to wash  her clothes, bathe herself  in order to cleanse herself of all the  germs that she thought she might have brought with her from outside. She would feel completely relieved once having done this ritual .But it is obvious, such a ritual can be  a great pain to other members of her family  as the rule of changing into the fresh clothes after returning from outside and of washing the  clothes that had been worn for going outside immediately on return from outside  played havoc with the peace of the family . Any kind of advise to Mrs Narwhal to stop worrying created further problems as she would  avoid such person who would advise her to not to worry .

Such worries form a part of the depression syndrome  . They bring about with them ,   breathlessness, the faster  heart beats,sweaty perspiration,  choking , suppression of the mind, the feeling of the distress, ,and the  lack of focus , attention and sleep .Such chronic worry  needs to be treated with psychotherapy,  Cognitive therapy , holistic therapy and  even by way of the perceptive meditation to bring about a complete change in the thinking and perceptions of the affected individual.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

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Portrait of stressed Caucasian womanTanisha (name changed) has been married for seven years into her second marriage. Her earlier marriage  had  not last long enough and before she could realize that she has been married, she was out of the wedlock.Her husband of her   first marriage , could not take to her low mood and low self esteem.He called it quits in one years time. She had met Sunit (name changed ) through the family social circle. Sunit an employed engineer , despite his having divorced her wife from his first marriage had  appealed to the family so much that without any kind of  verification etc., Tanisha had been married off to him . It was all rosy picture for the first few months of hr new marital life . She had moved with him to another city where he was  posted on his job. Soon she had been  blessed with a baby. Things started to go wrong the moment she had announced her   being pregnant to her husband. Sunit found it difficult to continue in the job he was holding. He quit the job .They moved back to his parents home.They have both become dependent on his parents meager income of rentals and pension. Tanisha later learnt that Sunit’s   earlier divorce had happened on account of his inability to continue into any job for longer period.

Sunit has since been out of job for seven years. Each day begins with a fight for the financial needs which have been by now been mounting to unmanageable levels. their daughter  is five years old. Her school expenses too have been  rising up every year and will go up further ( her current school expense is being managed by Tanisha’s  parents form their pension funds) .

pexels-photo-936127It is obvious Tanisha has to bear the brunt of her husband being unemployed . She is mistreated by her mother in law too. Tanisha  has been moving forth between her parents house and her in laws like a bouncing ball very frequently. The last time she had been away for over six months ( this being longest period of her leaving her husband ). Yet she comes back every time .Every month it happens either she is told to leave her in laws’ place by her mother in law or her husband or she would leave in a huff after the fight vowing never to come back . Her  life goes on in spite of the  mental, physical , emotional , economic and   social abuse.Neither her parents want her to leave her husband nor is she confident enough to lead her life independently.

The relationship that Tanisha has been undergoing is a regular feature in her life, as she has been treated very badly in childhood  by   some of the family members, and again by  some of the boy friends in her teens when she was into college.

Businesswoman stressed and tiredRelationship abuse is the most common form of psychological, abuse people indulge into to hold a sway over others or allow others to hold a sway over them. It is a kind of psychological exploitation by the perpetrator . At the same time it is also an unnecessary comfort area the victim gets into refusing to come out of it.

It has been observed that Women ( irrespective of the fact that they are married or not ) stay in abusive relationships due to a combination of low self-esteem,  still low self confidence ,lack of family support ,poor other  alternatives . This is also compounded by the time and efforts they have invested to rectify the current  relationship, find the research  recently conducted . The results indicate  that 88% of women continue their relationships with their   abusive partner over  longer periods. The women just do not have the courage to move out of the relationships and leave their partners. even after having been abused over longer relationships , many women  ( many men too ) with lack of self esteem and  lack of  self confidence  find it hard to leave their partner. They just prefer enduring the abusive relationship having lost all their trust in their own capabilities.

The study points out that only  a small percentage of  12% of the women in this study who were abused — psychologically or physically — left their partner . This happens when such  women feel they are  not worthy of bringing about any change in their  status .

pexels-photo-568027The low self-esteem in women can be  the result of having undergone  childhood abuse — which can instill fear of the unknown change .Doubts of self empowerment can  raise their tolerance for abuse, and neglect .  Such women  have  reported at least one incident of abuse in their early life , whether physical or psychological.Psychological abuse included things like, “touching inappropriately by a friend or a relative”, “ being  bullied in their childhood”, ” being called  fat or ugly”, ” having been ignored by parents, guardians, or“ being hurled insults by teachers , tutors, classmates or companions “.Most of the abuse  the study   indicates are  psychological.

The research points out that : “…women experiencing high levels of psychological distress may not feel efficacious in their ability .The results showed that 88% of women were still with an abusive partner over longer periods  unwilling to  leave their partners.”Childhood abuse has been  an important contributory factor,“…women who were abused in childhood are  more satisfied with their current relationships than women who are  not abused in childhood.

crop-hand-pointing-at-upset-girl_23-2147798382“It is possible that women with childhood abuse histories are more satisfied in their relationships than women without childhood abuse histories because they have more tolerance for mistreatment based on early life experiences and resulting interpersonal experiences ”, the researcher points out ,“…the more psychological abuse women are exposed to, the more energy and effort they put forth to resolve the conflict, thus leading to increases in perceived investment.”

“The more  time , effort, emotions and experiences  women invest in their relationship, the more likely they are  to stay in such abusive relationships” , and hence their could be many Tanisha’s enduring abusive relationships.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist , Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert  .

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