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Posts Tagged ‘premarital counselling’

download (1)Poonam and her husband  Sangit had a wonderful marriage going for the first  year of their marriage.Everything seemed to have been set specially to bring the joy and comfortable living for them in their life, but things took an adverse turn when Poonam had conceived her first baby. Her pregnancy ( an unplanned one ) had happened and  Sangit  didn’t know how to handle this. Poonam’s early morning sickness was too much for him to take .He felt that he had  been dealt a wrong hand in the marriage.The same wife who used to be at his side all the times had almost forgotten about his being there  in her life .Poonam noticed he had begun avoiding spending time with her.The gap had further widened in them after the delivery .Sangit felt that Poonam had been spending her time with the child and she did not have any space left for him in her life. The daily spat of words and tiffs took the ugliest toll on their relationships when Poonam had attempted to hurt herself in a fit of rage . That is when they decided to call on the  family therapist for an intervention.

argu cplDolly had echoed similar words  of dissatisfaction in her marriage to this  therapist  as  she expressed her annoyance on her husband for  spending most of his days  for office travel unnecessary . She told the therapist, ” even on the days he is in town he would hardly give time to me and children. Every evening my husband  spends his time with his friends partying in the club or a bar”.

Poonam and Dolly are not the only ones who are dissatisfied with their marriages.

11Harish a businessman speaks  same thoughts when he says, ” my wife throws one kitty party every week compulsorily and the days she does not throw a party herself, it would be any of her friends inviting her over. We hardly see each other at home.  We have become strangers staying under the same roof”.

Couples express their dissatisfaction with their marriages in many ways. one of them being not spending much time together or not giving the required attention to demands of each other. It is apparent today’s  marital life is not what it used to be ten or twenty years ago. The internet, the need for travel , the need of  socialising for each partner to the marriage demands time from them and they can hardly find time for each other . Resultantly , each partner is finding the other one going away from him or her. But in order to keep the contract of marriage running they are  demanding more from each other without putting in the necessary time to be with each other .

From the case studies mentioned above it can be seen that the couples  are basically divided their time and life into many different compartments, depending on the situations in which they currently are. These compartments can be identified as:

  • The couples with small  children allocate most of their time to  the act of parenting  but it is not necessary that both of them do it together.
  • The couples  who have grown up children have  found many interests of their own respectively on the internet .
  • Or they have  formed their social circles independent of each other and spend time away from each other .
  • The couples who do not have interest in either of the above three situations are concentrating on their work  and for them their careers hold more importance than being with their partners .

The demands however from the spouses into the marriage remain what these used to be  many many years ago. The modern husband  wants a wife that he has seen in his mother who was his father’s wife. The modern wife looks forward to a husband as she noticed  in her father who led a very devoted life many years ago. These partners to modern marriages often tend to forget that their interest , their needs, their style of living have been completely changed as compared to the times in which their  parents had built their families.

The new generation of couples need to understand that they either need to  put in more efforts, time and resources into their marriages to make them work or they need  to demand less from their relationships .Marriage is about contractual obligations of social nature  where each partner  would get only what has been invested into. Marriage works when you give as much as you want to get in return .

The best  way to make  your  marriage work is to not to make your marriage a standard measurement of your  marriage vis a vis the marriage of your parents . Your marriage  possibly is a better marriage contract now as you both are able to pursue your independent areas of interest and at the same time contributing towards the development of each other as a better human being .

But in order to achieve that you have to allow each partner a space wider enough to  facilitate the expression of their true self.

You both need to develop a lifestyle that permits investment of time and your socio- psychological inputs  in your marriage, to build strong relationship  compatibility.

Marriage is no more considered the only source of social  and financial security when so many people nowadays  live in relationships without actually tying the knots  or even getting on with their lives without the  need of a partner from the opposite sex. In such evolutionary times the investment of your time and  positive energy can definitely make the partnership  workable and enjoyable  and save you from the disappointment  of not getting the right attention from your partner  .

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

family therapyFamily is Everything .

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Continuing from my last post  about self acceptance ……  I have observed that many a times”WE All” surrender to the negativity in weaker moments of life and then allow the nihilistic attitude to overtake our body, mind and all faculties . The shadow of doubt arises from the fact that we do not want to face our own self in these weaker moments thus losing control and surrendering  with humble submission . We do not try to resurrect the position by reviving the natural powers that the nature has bestowed us with . These powers are the :

  • power of mind
  • power of brain
  • power of determination ( resolution )
  • power of  karma
  • power of positivity.

  In my article Accept Yourself…….. all we are doing is to enhance the self image and self esteem and  convert the negativity of life to living our life in positive emotions through daily  self acceptance  practices . By way of writing and stating   the obvious power we all possess  we shall be increasing our own acceptance from the inner strengths before we move to the external world.

Just remember that we are weakling physically as  compared  to  even a small ant that can carry a load of  12 times its own weight  while moving . obviously we cannot do that . Same way we can not bear and tolerate the   stringent weather and vagaries of nature like a small plant or a tree can do . The small plant  outside our window or a tree in the courtyard cam  stand through the storm,  heat, sunshine, rain,  or the cold and still give its best back to the nature. We can however win in all situation because we have the power of the mind ( the desire ) that made us look for the ways to control the nature . This strong mind enables us to find our way in the mountainous region by making tunnels, ropeways, circular roads and by even destroying the  mountain if it stood in the way. We by our power of mind have controlled all elements  of nature eg.   the sun,  the wind, the  sea and  below the surface element by making them useful to the mankind. our mind desired and the brain got busy  working full time to meet  and fulfill the desires   of the mind. Hence in the previous post I had asked you to begin accepting yourself by recognising and recalling the power of your own mind.

Let us once again do the same exercise once again in the manner we had done last week :  take a pen and paper  and start writing the following powerful positive statement  about yourself :

I am a powerful person I have the power of mind .  

Continue writing a full page .  Having completed writing  please place aside the pen and the paper.

We will now  meditate on this .

  • please sit in a comfortable  position wherever you are , keeping your   back straight but comfortable.
  • Place your right hand on your heart and the left hand four fingers below your navel in the middle of the stomach.
  • be at your ease.
  • close your eyes softly
  • and   start breathing.
  • let your mind  travel from the  lower left hand    to the top of your forehead  while  inhaling  and let the mind travel back to the bottom of the left hand on the stomach while exhaling . continue the process for five minutes.
  •   after five minutes are over just  relax  for a while.
  • open your eyes.
  • pick up the page on which we had done the  writing today.
  • Start reading loudly the  words and sentences written by you on the page like you are memorising every word written there. Do not let your eyes and mind wander from the written words even for a wink of a second . let the words  be imprinted on your mind   completely .
  • having finished , close the eyes again and reflect on the words spoken by you.

Get up after a while………, you will gradually start feeling good , about yourself  after a few days exercise  ?

We regularly conduct Preksha Meditation classes at Alka Mansik Pramarsh Foundation and our experiences reveals that  the meditation of  self-acceptance makes  people gain positivity and happy state of mind which can  not  be  compared to others because in this there is no , “other”. The learning    of the self can definitely be compared to the learning of the  new things and being part of something bigger, some sacred   and celestial    happiness and satisfaction.Come and learn with us the  daily  self acceptance practices that result into  psychological  and emotional healing.

Ramneek kapoor,Clinical Psychologist and family Therapist,Science of living ,Preksha Meditation expert.

 

 

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Pre-marital counseling is advice and counseling imparted to a young couple (man and woman) who are about to get married   shortly. The counseling usually is imparted to the   couple together. But many a times individual counseling is also undertaken to  assist the individuals in removing many of  the myths, fears, misconceptions which could lead to conflicts in marriage later, if not handled at the individual level.  The premarital counseling   is facilitated by a qualified psychologist who has had the experience of dealing with marital and family problems for a long time.   The premarital counseling renders

  1. Help to the couples to identify those areas of conflict that could become problematic later on in their lives.
  1. Assist couples in developing understanding for the changed roles in their lives and the expected mutual adjustments expected from now on in their lives.
  2. Equip them with the skills to enjoy and pilot their way through a meaningful marriage successfully.
  3. To develop as responsible fun loving companions for each other and to the other family members.
  • A professional counselor   addressing the pre-marital counseling to the couple will make use of many kinds of assessment criterion to help the couple understand the rosy as well as bleak areas which could either make the marriage enjoyable journey or fill it up with   potential complications.  The psychologist will address some of the common areas given below at the time of premarital counseling:
  •  Male –female Sexuality and its implications /expectations in a married life.
  • Interests and Activities of a married couple and as individual entities
  • Role Expectations for both the partners
  • Personal Adjustment /accommodation for a successful marriage.
  • Interpersonal Communication and interfamily adjustments
  •  Culture,  Morality, Ethics,  Religion And Philosophy
  • Marriage Expectations and the changed life thereafter
  • Family Issues and mutual responsibility
  •  Finances- income- individual-shared
  • Personal growth, family growth, Children ,and Parenting

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Stress and strains in Preparing for a new relationship:  we as individual live in a predetermined, self imposed self selected privacy as we go about our daily living in families and in various roles of society. Yet within this privacy we do have the necessary social interaction and relationships.   Marital counseling can help the couple develop a relationship that has the inbuilt system of allowing space to both the spouses and yet bring about the required intimacy for enjoying the new relationship.  The couple should evolve like two full grown flowers that spread a common fragrance of love and affection and yet appear beautiful in their own individual identity.    Every couple knows that their Dedication to Marriage will build stronger relationships.  Their dedication towards each other will bring about a strong love for each other, a sense of humor, willingness to grow up together, necessary strength for working towards a common cause, shared and tolerance for each other’s religious and cultural beliefs, and commonality of life’s goals.  This dedication will be built upon love, affection, empathy, allowance, understanding, commitment, communication, friendship and of course yearning for companionship.  All these adjectives together make a beautiful garden known as the marriage. One such missing petal can cause the whole flowers fall apart hence the mental strength gained through pre marital counseling will provide the necessary feed, , sunlight   and the nurturing to the romancing couple and of course the bring down the ever rising divorce rate the world over.

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Pre-Marital Counseling:  the decision to get married is a very happy moment but at the same time individuals (irrespective of the fact whether they are male or female) get very apprehensive of sharing their freedom, space, individuality and even responsibility of handing over the managing of their lives to someone else.  Falling in love and getting engaged to someone you have fancied as life partner is very fascinating.  The post engagement is a thrilling and a very delightful time. It is a time when dating, dreaming and fanciful planning takes place between the couples. Most of the couples come close and become emotionally fond of   each other. The physicality of intimacy, close proximity and the idea of having fallen in love are very intoxicating.  This period is the time to know each other and thereby cementing ties for a happy life long relationship. The couples in addition to falling in love should preferably take out some time together to get a positive premarital counseling.  Such a premarital counseling will help the couples uncover and resolve many issues that could become too late after having been married.

Let us see what the premarital counseling means to newly engaged couple:

Premarital Counseling – future a Relationship Therapy: As blissful couples go through their engagement, looking at their    own ring and adoring the engagement. They get busy preparing their wedding trousseau   , finalizing   wedding plans.  There are enough people to take care of the details of the accessories.  The couple should take out some time for the most important thing of all – their relationship at present and their relationship that is being built up through the sacred marriage.  In earlier times of joint family systems, an older sister, sister in law, other seniors in the family like a grandmother, or an older aunt, some close family friend took over the counseling of the bride to be or the groom to be.  But the independent single family system has deprived such a privilege to modern couples.     Social thinkers and family psychologists recommend that each couple who has opted to get married and tie the knot should go through at least one session of premarital counseling. Couples may have specific needs in premarital counseling and therapy, such as following particular religious faith and culture, maintaining traditions of their family issues and the questions of sharing their personal world, privacy or possessions with another person and likewise, so  there could be many questions lurking about the future life.

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